The Question

A conversation I recently overheard between my boys:

L is my four year old, my middle child. C is my oldest, he just turned 7 in December.

L: (enters the room where his brother is, energetic, chipper and cheery) Hey C, how are you today?

C: (distracted and aloof). Good.

L: What are you doing?

C: Nothing.

L: What did you eat for breakfast?

C: Cereal.

L: How did God make us?

C: Ummm….. (he looks up, for the first time vaguely interested in the conversation, he shrugs) With his powers.

Isn’t it fascinating how kids move from a simple ordinary conversation to a topic that leaves you speechless? This happens all the time. We’re sitting at the table or playing outside or driving in the car, really the location doesn’t matter at all, engaged in a typical back and forth of bickering (“Mama, it’s my turn now, I want it!”) or asking questions (“Mama, when can I play my video games?”) or the never ending pleading and begging for more food (“Mama, can I have a snack? I’m sooooo hungry.”); and them BAM! out of nowhere comes the deep, complex question, “Mama, why did Grandma have to die?”

After 7 years I should be more accustomed to these surprise attacks but they usually still catch me off guard. I make a point to have deeper conversations with my kids from time to time, but these ones are on my terms, after I’ve prepared for them, at least slightly. I think it’s important to broach subject matter of importance here and there. Of course these conversations are very one-sided and usually pretty short since the attention span I have to work with is approximately 30 seconds, if I’m lucky. But I want them to start pondering and thinking for themselves on issues of morality and spirituality and the like.

So when I’m brushing my four year olds hair in the morning and we’re both singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider I am quite taken aback when he abruptly stops and asks “But mama, how do you push the baby out of your tummy?”. I freeze for a split second and wonder, is this the time to fully explain the miracle of birth? Or should I skip it and offer a vague answer, hoping that will satisfy? I always vacillate about what and how to reply to these types of questions. My husband and I agree that we will be honest and open with our kids but exactly how open and how honest does the situation require? He’s four, should I explain in detail since he’s asking or is it better to prolong the gory details till he’s a little older? Sometimes I worry about how what I tell him translates when he repeats my explanation to others. Stories can easily get scrambled and I don’t want others getting the wrong impression about what takes place in our household. However, I don’t believe in intentionally and repeatedly keeping my kids in the dark either. A real dilemma…

I usually have this mental struggle (which lasts mere seconds) every time one of these surprises makes an appearance. And here’s what typically follows: Deep breath. Ok, let’s tackle this with words he’ll understand. I begin to painstakingly stumble my way through the complexities of childbirth. After a few seconds I feel like I’m making headway and miraculously doing a good job at explaining when I’m interrupted with “Mama, can I ride my bike?”

I have rarely actually finished explaining one of these deep, profound questions before my boys lose interest entirely and have already moved on to more pressing matters, such as riding their bikes or scheming new ways to terrorize each other. I should probably just give the simple, evasive answer and carry on with the mundane. It is, after all, what they seem to prefer. 

But I just know that one of these times they’ll be asking me for real, out of genuine curiosity and a desire to learn and contemplate. I want to be prepared and available for this time, open and honest so I can be there for them when it’s their time to grow and mature.


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